There I was: cuddling my two babies, both nursing peacefully, while Scarecrow sang about his brain troubles in the background. Suddenly, a chill of horror ran through me, freezing my blood and bringing my heart to a standstill. The telltale tickle of gigantic spider legs whispered down my left shoulder blade.
Without a pause, Piggle was tossed unceremoniously onto the bed, and I flew across the room to safety with Sequel still dangling on my right boob. In an instant, I was stark naked, doing a ridiculous “get this fucking thing off me before it eats my brains for dinner” dance, while two pairs of eyes stared menacingly at me for interrupting their meal.
I contorted my body in impossible ways, trying to remove the beast from my person. After a few pulled muscles and some more glaring from the kids, I managed to secure the disgusting creature in my hands! I let out a battle cry that would have shamed Atilla the Hun and looked down at my fingers, preparing to mock the lesser being in my grasp.
And there it was: an enormous, disgusting, brown….wad of hair.
The saddest part of this is that this wasn’t a one off ordeal. On the contrary, I am gripped with the sheer terror of having an insect on me at least once an hour. Why? Because I gave birth to a bouncing baby girl, and I am paying the price in hair.
After having Piggle, I became very aware of how normal postpartum shedding is, but if hair is really a currency and my child the purchase, Mother Nature is waaaay over-charging. This is ridiculous! At this rate, I’ll be bald by the end of the month!
You’d think, that having these pseudo-spider induced aneurysms happen so frequently would cause less panic with every subsequent event. I, however, refuse to become complacent! I know that, with my horrendous standing with Karma, should I ignore it even one time, it’d be a real bug, and I’d probably wind up with it in my mouth. So until this insane shedding lets up, if you happen to see me in public, acting like a complete lunatic, you’ll know why.